Everything that I do reminds me of you

I really like this song. It’s the typical Avril Lavigne ballad, but I like the piano bits in it.

When you’re gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you’re gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you’re gone
All the words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

– When You’re Gone by Avril Lavigne

I miss my dad this week more than ever. I walked into my parents’ walk-in closet today to get a tudong, and I could smell his scent. I don’t know if my mind was in the process of remembering my dad that I had accidentally trigger the memory of the smell, but it was there. It’s the smell that was always around every time he returned home from his Friday prayers. My dad was not one to use perfume that contains alcohol. I had tears in my eyes, but I rubbed them off, and read for him al-Fatihah instead.

When my dad was discharged from the hospital, after his surgery, he and my mom had opted to sleep downstairs, in the guest room because my dad had trouble walking, let alone going up the stairs to the master bedroom. My mom still sleeps there to this day, I think she doesn’t want to leave yet, just how she’s not packing up his things from his side of the closet.

Anyway. The other day, I continued to have my daily lie-ins, by moving myself from the bedroom, to the guest room downstairs. My mom and sister were just about to leave to work and school, so they left the air-con on for me. When I woke up, it was bright as day, and I had looked to my left.

When my dad was still alive, and when he was still recovering from his surgery, he would rest a lot, so he would be on my left. There was once this one time, — it’s still fresh in my mind — he awoke from his nap, and I was just lying there, with the cover up to my nose because it was too cold for me, and I waved at him, and said hi. He smiled and said hi back.

That was what came into my head when I looked to my left. That particular memory.. was too hard for me to handle, so I rolled onto my right side, as if I didn’t want to remember the little details. As if that particular move would prove effective.

He was such a vibrant character, and everyone had loved him so, it’s unbelievable.

Usually, when football season was on, he would usually invite his favourite nephews over to watch Manchester United play against another team. He would buy them their favourite food, that particularly unhealthy one, I’ve been told: nasi katok. These cousins of mine would occasionally mention that the house seemed so quiet without him, and there was this one time where they had asked me to buy the nasi katok that their uncle used to love buying for them, because it was just the best thing that they’ve had.

My dad.. bapa, as I call him.. his English is not so good, but speaks it anyway. In the past, I would be a tad embarrassed, but now, I miss him saying the silliest things. Like when we climb into the car, before he drives off, he would recite the du’a, and he would ask, “All aboard?” and his pronunciation would be very off with the latter word. And we would say in an annoyed, yet adoring, “Yes.

I miss the way he would sit with us while we watch a movie, and he would say, “I’ve already watched this, and I know how it ends. This is a boring movie, let’s watch something else.” We would then ask what happens in the end, and he would always say, “Entah ah, bapa inda ingat.” Translation: “I don’t know, I don’t remember.”

He was a strong man, too. I have never see him in pain, except for the time when he had the accident in Seria. I cried, seeing him in such pain. I was okay, when I heard my dad had an accident, I prayed to God that he would be all right, and I stayed calm. However, I broke down when I saw him on the hospital bed.

I was happy again when he recovered well. Then, God gave me the biggest trial I’ve ever faced. We lost him 40 days after he was involved in the accident.

Al-Fatihah.

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13 responses to “Everything that I do reminds me of you

  1. -stranger in pink-

    A very moving post. I was definitely touched just by reading it. Aku nangis baca! Although I’ve never experienced such loss and everything that you’re going through, but I feel you woman. *hugs* Be strong Tina. Especially for your mom and your sister.

  2. i wish my dad and i were close… never was and never will be… tuff to grow up with a single mom. but ur post was touching! HUGS Tina..

  3. such a moving post… My dad was only back at home for about two days and then got admitted back to JPMC. He passed away three weeks after his surgery and he was told recovering from his by-pass surgery. Even his doctor was in grief when he passed away because he can’t believe his patient is gone when my dad was indeed recovering.

    The power of Allah… He can easily take the people we love most because He loves them more.

    I won’t say be strong because I’m so sick of people saying that to me because no matter how strong we are it’s just y’know… it’s a family member that we have lost…

    Just take care of yourself and the rest of the family. :) *hugs*

  4. I wept a little while reading this post. *sniff.. sniff*

    *big hugs*

    You know, often when I read your post, I feel so.. rugi.. that I didn’t get to meet your dad..

    Al-fatihah..

    *more big hugs* Even though I know that no amount of hugs is ever enough to comfort you from this loss. But we have to move on… and live our life. Plus, I’m sure he doesn’t want you to live in sadness. Banyakkan berdoa so that his roh dicucuri rahmat.. *hugs some more*

  5. Semoga ALLAH mencucuri rahmat keatas roh bapa Tina..Amin!!

    This is good that u r able to share your stories about your late father. It’s the process of healing. I have gone through the same process.

    I still talked about my late son till this day. Still fond of him. Bunny just told me that our indonesian houseman dreamt of my late son.. minta buatkan rumah.. hmmm. will blog about that soon.. Touching!!
    Take care.

  6. Stranger in pink, thank you. :) At first, I had thought to make the post private after I had published it because I thought it was too personal for the public to handle. But I thought wrong. :)

    Strictlybeautiful, big hugs! This is one of those times when I think I’m lucky enough to have my dad, even though I lost him before he turned 51. It must be tough how you grew up, but I think you turned out great. :)

    Alyaa, it was a shock to see someone who’s recovering so well to be taken away from us, wasn’t it? I sometimes have that feeling of shock and disbelief, still. But I have accepted it, and I’m somewhat moving on.

    I always think of this when I try to cheer myself up: Allah loves my dad more, and that He doesn’t want him to make any more sins. Especially after what he had told my mom, that he no longer bear grudges towards people who have hurt him, and that he was going to live a simple life with us.

    So many things that he did before he left us that touched and moved my family and I that I haven’t talked about yet. One step at a time.

    Sometimes people say “be strong”, because they don’t know how it feels firsthand to go through something like this. And I understand that. For me, what was annoying was that, the first three days, I wanted people to stop talking about my dad and the things that he had done that touched their lives, because it made his death much more sad and hard for me to go through. Now, I crave for people talking about him in an admiring way, and I smile whenever people do that, because it warms me so much that the man that they’re talking about is my dad.

    You take good care of yourself too, okay? *hugs tight*

    Atul, I wept a lot writing it! Hehe. It’s okay, in akhirat, if things go well for the both of us, and if we meet each other, I will let you meet him. But.. I’m not sure how akhirat works exactly.

    One thing, however.. I wish my boyfriend had met my dad. But.. what to do. All that is left are memories.

    It’s okay Tul, reciting a few surahs will comfort me a whole lot.

    When he was alive, he hates seeing me sad. When I got 1 ‘A’ for my A Levels, he was angry with me, but when I started crying, he just stopped being angry and tried his best for me to carry on studying. Now, I’ve graduated from ITB, and he’s happy to know that. And I’m glad he sampat see me graduate.

    Pablo, amin, amin, ya rabbal alamin! :)

    It feels good to let it out, though a few tears were shed. No, actually, MANY. Try buckets. Haha. But, you’re right, this is a healing process.

    I’ve always talked about my dad in a fond way to other people, but never in a way that I have cried with them. Like I mentioned in one of my posts, I’m not comfortable crying in front of people.

    Aww. He dreamt of your late son? You know what I wish in my heart, though? That my late brother would be playing with your late son somewhere. I don’t know, I find it kind of heart-warming that way. Hehe.

    Hope things are going well on your side! :)

  7. Hi Tins im here if you need anything.. xx

  8. I cried at ‘nasi katok’. Sampai kan inda tebaca lagi. Anyway, like Strictlybeautiful I kind of wish I’m close with my own dad like you were. :(

    P.S. Jangan liat music video c Avril atu membagi menangis tu heh.

  9. The only way to remember him is to keep his memory alive.

    Just like you, I got reminded of my late aunt last week, but it was a bittersweet thing – because every memory of her is funny. And before the sadness engulfed me at the memory of her, I’d be half-way to laughing, tickled by her past antics.

  10. It’s great that you are willing to share these memories with us. I’ve never experienced such loss but I guess by sharing is part of the healing process. And I guess you have to embrace all those waves of memories whenever they come. I don’t think you can just ever forget someone you love.

    So heads up, Tina, and hope you’re feeling better.

    *hugs*

  11. semoga roh nya di cucuri rahmat, di tempat kan ia bersama orang2 yang beriman :)

    xoxo

  12. Hey you.. Like AllyDee I’ve never experienced a loss such as yours, but if the time comes that I do, I hope I can handle it with half the strength and courage that you have shown yourself to possess over the past weeks.

    Ps: I said I’d tune in and I did!But I couldn’t work the sms thingy to let you know at the time :( sounding good btw! :)

    Fxxxx

  13. Hi, Zah, thank you. :) Hugs.

    War, aww. It’s okay, you can have bonds like these with other members of your family.

    Awu, it’s because of the video that I like the song so much. My heart went for the old man, who lost his wife. So kesian.

    Sha, that is true. Memories of him are bitterweet, but they lean more towards the sweet. Hehe. He is alive in my heart. I’m not in denial, but he just is.

    Allydee, sometimes it makes me wonder why I share these things with the public, because it’s so personal. But, I express myself well when I type it out on my blog, as opposed to talking to people about it because I can stop typing for a few moments and take deep breaths, then carry on. I can’t face other people seeing me so vulnerable.

    I’m feeling better, but sometimes it just hits you hard on your loneliest days, you know?

    *hugs*

    Faz, AMIN! Thank you. :)

    F, there is nothing in this world that can prepare you for the death of a loved one, but there is no harm in trying. I guess part of my strength in handling the loss of my dear dad is that I always tell myself that Allah will take the life of whomever He wills.

    Thanks for tuning in! I was having a bad night than usual, but thank you! :))

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