Getting used to your absence

My back hurts.

This post is going to be all about me this morning, bear with me, or don’t read it.

I was out with a few friends for drinks (and food that was supposed to satisfy the needs of someone who’s half hungry, half full. ;)) First time I had talked about how I’m trying to cope while seeing people’s facial expressions and reactions. I have this fear of making people feel uncomfortable when I talk about my dad.

I am not one to be touchy-feely, and I assume others would be the same.

I was taught to be someone strong, someone who didn’t need hugs, who didn’t need to be told that they loved her.. just know that she is loved.

Now, I crave for the hugs, the I love yous, the I miss yous, because I grew up not getting any of them. Whenever I come to a hurdle in life, I go to my parents, they teach me that life is just that way. They don’t comfort me when I cry, they just tell me — of course in a soothing tone, “Sudah tah..” If I didn’t stop, my mom usually gets really mad at me, and I would force myself to stop.

Not that I have anything against how I was brought up; I cope well with situations this way.

But I didn’t realize that I had grown up to be someone who’s comfortable in talking about my feelings to a faceless audience. I didn’t realize that growing up like this would make me run away from the world and hide in my room.

Two nights ago, I talked to the boyfriend into the wee hours of the morning, and he mentioned my dad. I refer to him as bapa, so does he. I do not know why, but when he mentioned the word bapa, I broke down. I stopped having break downs in front of people on the third day after my dad passed away. It was.. weird. At that moment, I thought why did I ever think I could cope with this?

Then today, a friend, who had gone through a loss previously, told me, and I quote, “You will never get over it. You just have to get used to it.” I can’t agree with her more.

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3 responses to “Getting used to your absence

  1. Who’s that girl in the picture?

    Half hungry, half full? Canakan tu? :P

    It’s so true what your friend said even though I may not have suffered a loss of my own.

    *hugs*

  2. Oh, some random girl. Picture I obtained from JupiterImages.com

    Inda ku tau half hungry/half full tu. My friend tu! Haha, ada saja wah.

    It’s true, right? Because how can you get over someone you really love?

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