I just got my duty roster yesterday afternoon. I’m happy with what I’ve been given, but I’m so anxious to start. Every time I think about going to work, my heart beats so fast, and I have to try and think hard of something else to divert my thoughts of messing up in the studio. This is what one month of time off does to you, people. It’s not good.
I’m excited to be working again, but.. yea, read the above paragraph. :P
Yesterday was a Friday, and I couldn’t visit my dad. My mom and sister went, with the usual entourage. I have never felt like I was missing something in my whole life. It’s as if I depended on those Friday visits. I went with my mom and sister, but I stayed in the car, in the parking lot.
I switched on the radio, changed the channel to the recitation of the Al-Quran station, which made me feel a bit relieved, like I’m not forgetting to read surah Yassin for my dad, or neglect to sedekah to him the tahlil. I then dozed off, in the blazing heat of the sun. I’ve mentioned before that I don’t like mosquitoes or anything that stings and make me itch, so I didn’t roll down the windows. Imagine that.
Then I woke up to my mom’s sharp rap on the window.
My mom then proceeded to tell me that we need to sedekah my dad something every time we remember him, of course, unless we can’t. She gave an analogy that goes something, like, if we sedekah to him every day, it’ll be like providing him with loads of gushing water. If we forget, or become lazy, then he will be thirsty, as if he was only given one drop of water. Something like that lah ah.
Which then made me feel like I had forgotten him. But, there will be next week. I will at least read him something once a day when I am , ahem, clean. I just have to. I need to keep him happy, wherever he is.
In other news, I bought the book by Cecilia Ahern, the one titled P.S., I Love You. A little behind the times, but better late than never.
Ooh! That reminds me. You know, these days, I feel like I am a different person now. I’ve been doing some thinking as well, and by the end of these thoughts, the voice inside my head comes up with these old sayings, like, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
Yea, I feel like I am a stronger person now. A lot of it has to do with the coping of my dad’s death. I do not wish it on anyone, not even my worst enemy. A death of a loved one is so, so hard. It’s like when someone else’s loved one dies, you feel for them, but there is nothing like going through it first-hand. Not that all this while I had thought coping with death to be easy, but I never knew it was going to be this hard.
You know, at times my mind drifts off in a split second, and I go back to that emergency room, looking into my dad’s eyes, willing him to look at me when he was no longer breathing. Then when my eyes start to water, I stop and get back to the present. It happens more when I am doing nothing.
Being the lazy bum that I am, it happens a lot.
Anyway, I was doing a little blog-hopping, and I found this blog. I find it.. interesting, and I’m making it one of my daily reads. Most (or even all) of what she wrote are true. I agree most on how blogging used to be fun. Blogging used to be just that: blogging.