Most of the time, I live my life in “I Don’t Really Give A Rat’s Ass” mode. Other times, especially when I’m sitting here in front of my laptop — alone, I don’t. I read blogs. Undeniably, I read blogs. It gives me something to do when I have nothing to do, or rather, it gives me something to do when I feel like procrastinating, putting something off to a much later time.
Some blog posts might not have anything to do with me, but they speak to me. At times, enlightening, others.. insulting. I really hate caring for things that people say in their blog posts that might or might not have anything to do with me. I am not a big fan of feeling sorry for myself that someone thinks that way about you. Someone who mocks you in public, yet covered up with a certain anonymity that does not help how you are feeling at all. Just because you are granted that anonymity, does not mean you are spared of the malice they’re trying to spread.
I’m not one to be quite articulate. I can never carry out a good debate, I don’t think I ever will. I’ve always had trouble with words. Trying to make myself clear and justify myself, but in the end, I would seem defensive, thus I would seem at fault. I try so hard not to care, but for me, it is innate. I can’t make it go away.
I can fool almost everyone that I don’t care. Sometimes even myself. But when the intention goes back to fooling everyone that I am capable of feeling nonchalant about something so infuriating, I can’t lie to myself. It hurts. And I don’t like showing such emotions like sadness, or hurt. I get angry in public, sure. But, I think, it’s just a mask to hide the sadness, or hide whatever I feel is too bitter for me to handle.
Not to sound cheesy, but learning about life is a difficult thing to do. If you’re lucky, you’ll get to experience something so sweet that you think, “Wow, maybe that random act of kindness I did to that lady paid off.” On rainy days, which is almost all the time, you find it hard to get through the day.
All I wish for in my prayers most of the time is that everyone gets along, even for just one measly day.
Whatever. This is getting too personal.